What Identifies a Happy Marriage?

By Paula J. Wart

Psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein studied 50 happily married couples to discover what, if anything, they have in common. She identified nine “psychological tasks” shared by the couples. Other psychological literature suggests similar essentials found in healthy marriages.

• Leave the family of your childhood so you can give yourself 100 percent to your marriage. This doesn’t mean you ignore your parents, siblings and the like. It means you no longer relate to them in the same way, though. You redefine your connection to them in terms of your marriage.

• You create a new identity of “us” – “building togetherness based on identification, shared intimacy and an expanded conscience that includes both partners, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy,” says Dr. Wallerstein.

• Enjoy a healthy sexual relationship, not allowing work, children or other family obligations intrude.

• Do not place your children before your spouse. If you have children, the tendency is to put their needs first. While you need to embrace parenthood and raise your children to be safe and healthy (physically, mentally and psychologically), your children benefit greatly by seeing a healthy marriage. Your marriage is the fundamental relationship in your family, remaining long after the children are grown and gone.

• Tackle the problems, conflicts and crises that will inevitably arise throughout your marriage. Ignoring them won’t make them go away.

• Draw together through adversity. When problems arise, don’t turn on your spouse or withdraw to handle it alone. Your marriage should be a safe place to express your opinions and needs. It should also be a safe place to talk about your differences, what makes you angry and what brings you pleasure. Then, as a team you can work on comforting each other or overcoming adversity. By working together to overcome the conflict or weather the crisis your marital bond will be strengthened.

• Laugh often; even being silly sometimes. Humor helps keep things in perspective and keeps boredom at bay.

• Look for the unique way only you have to encourage and support your spouse. When you nurture and comfort your spouse you strengthen healthy interdependency.

• Throughout your married life you will change and so will your spouse. Happy couples adapt to those changes, while keeping alive the romance and remembering whom they fell in love with.

These nine functions are seen in healthy marriages. They’re not so much a “to do” list to be hung on the wall and strictly followed.