Recharge Your Relationship in One Weekend (part I: Repairing Your Relationship)

Do you have a great love life that's just become a bit stagnant? Give me one weekend. Follow my relationship advice, and you can say goodbye to the blahs. With these six simple steps, we'll give that love life — and sex life! — a boost into relationship bliss.

Saturday: Repairing You Relationship

Get Real

Okay, I have to start with some very tough love, and you're not going to like it. But this is a fact: Your relationship will have the best chance of survival if you let go of your romantic illusions. I'm not saying relationships can't be romantic long-term, but — brace yourself — most of the time they're not. What confuses us is that the same partner that excited us in the beginning can now leave us bored stupid! It's this longing for the past that causes problems in the present.

Most relationships start with a heady infusion of intoxicating hormones: You're in a bubble built for two, and there's a feeling of oneness. Over time this extreme closeness would be suffocating, but at the start it feels bloody marvelous! We want that feeling to continue forever, and when it (inevitably) doesn't, we jump to this conclusion: We've picked the wrong person. But that isn't necessarily true. This happens to every relationship eventually. (Yes, even yours.) Real love is about leaving this fantasy behind. It might have felt like you were much more in love at the start than you are three, four or more years on, but it's actually a figment of your imagination. Real, long-term intimacy happens when the initial flush of hormones subsides. Only then are you able to see each other as you really are — and a deeper, more satisfying, realistic love replaces the romantic one.

Talk about this together, then make a pact to not expect the impossible from each other. Once you agree to be realistic about your expectations of each other, the relief is enormous! You'll feel like a weight has been lifted — I promise.

Find Out Who You're in Love With

Lots of couples talk to each other. Few listen properly and without judgment. This exercise teaches you goodprinciples for both. It's also designed for you to get to know your partner as he is now, as opposed to how he was when you first met. That was probably the last time you allowed each other to talk uninterrupted, without making a comment or silent judgment about what the other was saying!

I've written the instructions of how it works from the perspective of the person doing the listening. And yes, this will have to be you at some point, so grit your teeth and volunteer to go first! Now, I'm going to be Ms. Bossy Boots for this one and insist you follow the rules, or it simply won't work.

• You each get a turn to talk to the other for half an hour — no more, no less.

• When you're talking, you can only talk about yourself, not about your partner or the relationship. Focus generally on your emotions, your needs, what you've learned from books or films, your friends, your job, what you like about yourself, what you don't, how you're enjoying life and how you're coping with life's struggles.
  

• You're not allowed to interrupt or even comment on what's been said. Your job is simply to listen and try to understand the person talking.
  

• Watch your facial expressions and body language. Nod supportively. Say, "Uh-huh." Smile encouragingly. Sitting there sulking or with a thunderous expression is going to thwart the whole exercise.
  

• If you really, really, really must comment on something your partner's said, wait a full 24 hours. Then, if you still can't help yourself, you're allowed 10 minutes max. One other catch on replying: The comments can only be positive. If you think there's a problem, for instance, outline it quickly, then spend the rest of the time talking about possible solutions. For example: "Your comments about your close friendship with your female coworker have made me realize we need to discuss boundaries," rather than, "I can't believe you've been spending so much time with Anna without telling me, you miserable bugger."
  

• After doing this exercise, don't be surprised if you both feel a little unnerved. You've probably just discovered things about your partner you didn't know — and that's why you feel slightly nervous. Who is this person? You thought you knew him inside out! What a shock, eh? But after all, you don't own each other and can't control how you both feel. Relax and go with the uncertainty. Taking your partner completely for granted is what kills most relationships. It does both of you good to not feel 100 percent sure of each other.
  

• Repeat this session once a week for a month, and you'll find you start to listen properly without it having to be a structured exercise.
  

Get Exactly What You Want

Another classic relationship mistake: assuming that because your partner loves you, he knows what you need to be happy. Sadly, love doesn't magically transform us into mind readers, so we rely on the next best thing: We assume that what makes us happy will make our partner happy. That, as you can imagine, predictably leads to unmitigated disasters. He gives you tickets to the playoffs for your birthday along with the latest Nintendo game. You give him an inspirational
self-help book and dinner in a romantic (read: stuffy) restaurant. To completely guarantee a life of misery, we take this warped thinking even further. We assume that if our partner doesn't behave the way we would in a particular situation, he doesn't care about us. Cue typical couple arguments about things like anniversaries (some people place importance on them, others don't) and chatting up your best friend (seen as charming her by one, flirting by another).
But happily, there is a way to fix this sorry situation. It's called being clear about what you both want. Sounds easy enough, right? Here's how it works:

• For the next month, you take turns having "me" days until the month is up.

• On each of your "me" days, you get to ask for something you'd like from your partner that makes you happy. It migth be something as simple as asking him to please pick you up on time, massage your shoulders while you're watching telly or hold your hand while taking a walk.
  

• Clearly state what you'd like your partner to do, giving as much detail as possible. The idea is to get into the habit of asking for what you need and want in order to be happy, instead of expecting your partner to second-guess.
  

• Pay attention to what your partner asks for. Write down what he's requested, and you'll have a list of his real needs and wants, rather than what you think he wants or doesn't want.

In the next post you'll read about what you shoul do at Sunday: Your Sex Life